Consequently, toxic positivity can dismiss, downplay or invalidate genuine emotions, such as sadness, anger, or grief, disavowing the complexity of the human emotional experience. Moreover, it can create an unrealistic expectation to overlook our feelings or conceal our authentic beliefs and sentiments.

The Complexity of Our Internal System: Understanding Our Many Internal Parts

Rather than believing we are uncomplicated beings capable of quickly changing our emotional state or viewpoint, let's contemplate the intricacies of our internal system. In fact, we are not a homogeneous or monolithic entity but instead, consist of numerous internal parts. Moreover, these parts have learned to perform distinct roles in response to each life experience we encounter to ensure our safety and maintain our overall functioning.

For instance, let's say you struggle with social anxiety. From a parts perspective, you might have a part of yourself that feels frustrated and wishes you could just overcome your anxiety. This part might push you to attend social events or engage in conversations. However, it can become upset when you still struggle with anxiety. On the other hand, you might have a part of yourself that feels scared and overwhelmed by social situations. This part might make you want to avoid social events or freeze up when you're in them. 

Here's another example: consider a situation where you have a habit of comfort eating when stressed. If you examine this behavior through the IFS lens, you may discover a part of yourself that gets upset with your comfort eating and wants to control your eating habits. This part may develop strict rules and diets to overcome the issue. On the other hand, another part of you may use food as a source of comfort and emotional regulation. This part may show up when you feel overwhelmed and uses food to cope with difficult emotions. 

IFS recognizes the tension between these parts, referred to as internal polarization. Therefore, in IFS therapy, we would explore the relationship between these parts and seek to understand their underlying motivations, roles in your internal system, and needs. Acknowledging and addressing these inner conflicts can create a more harmonious internal system and achieve greater emotional balance.

The protectors are further divided into two types: Managers and Firefighters. Their main role is to keep our more vulnerable parts, known in IFS as Exiles, from resurfacing. Therefore, protective parts work hard to keep these Exiles under the surface and out of consciousness, even if their approach sometimes appears extreme, unproductive, or destructive. 

There Are No Bad Parts: Parts have Benevolent Intent even in Extreme Roles

In IFS therapy, the guiding principle is that our parts have benevolent intent, regardless of how their actions may manifest in counterproductive or destructive behaviors. 

Therefore, there is never a need to engage in a power struggle, force, or eliminate a part, as our parts are not defined by their current roles, behaviors, beliefs, or burdens they carry. Instead, they are driven by a sense of responsibility or duty to protect but can also feel drained, tired, and unsure about how to move forward.

At its core, the IFS methodology is rooted in the belief that every part of our psyche has inherent value. We don't have to agree with or placate our parts, but we can create opportunities for healing both protectors and exiles through compassion and respect. Parts can be encouraged to return to their naturally resourceful and valuable states, leading to integrated changes throughout the internal system.

Examples of Managers and Firefighters

To illustrate this further, here are some examples of protective parts we may develop as we move through life: 

Managers:

1. Perfectionist part: This part strives for perfection to avoid criticism or rejection from others.

2. Controlling part: This part tries to control situations to avoid feeling vulnerable or out of control.

3. Rationalizing part: This part tries to rationalize or explain away uncomfortable emotions to avoid feeling them.

4. People-pleasing part / Self-sacrificing part: This part tries to please others to avoid conflict or rejection.

5. Hyperachieving part: This part keeps us constantly busy and distracted to avoid feeling difficult emotions.

Firefighters:

1. Self-soothing part: This part seeks temporary relief from emotional pain through challenging behaviors with food, substances, compulsive scrolling, 

2. Distracting part: This part distracts us from our emotional pain by engaging in activities like bingeing TV, mindlessly scrolling social media, or playing video games.

3. Self-harming part: This part causes physical harm to the body to distract from emotional pain.

4. Angry or Rage part: This part uses anger to distract from or protect against vulnerable emotions.

5. Escapist part: This part seeks to escape reality through daydreaming or other forms of dissociation.

What are the Vulnerable Parts in IFS? (Exiles)

The innermost parts of our psyche are known in IFS as Exiles, lying beneath the layers of Protectors. These parts are intimately connected to trauma and distress, carrying the weight of shame, rejection, fear, and pain. As a means of self-preservation, our Protectors push these parts down to avoid confronting the overwhelming emotions they contain. 

These disowned parts often embody various versions of ourselves, including different ages or stages of our lives. The ultimate objective of IFS is to relieve the Exiles of their burden and liberate them from the pain they have been carrying. 

Mainstream approaches tend to bypass our Protectors

Regrettably, the conventional approaches to inner child work in mainstream psychology tend to bypass the crucial protective system of manager and firefighter parts and directly address the exiles, the deepest and most vulnerable parts of the psyche. 

Protectors are deeply invested in our safety and often hesitate to engage in inner work for fear of causing destabilization. Attempting to bypass the protector's concerns and proceed with inner work can lead to increased rigidity and backlash from the protector part that feels ignored or betrayed. This can ultimately result in the opposite of the desired outcome, with an increase in unwanted symptoms. Therefore, it is essential to respect the protectors and not force access to the protected parts, as this can lead to a breach of trust and stall progress for an extended period of time.

By acknowledging the protective system and valuing its vital function, we gradually establish trust and work to develop a rapport with the protectors. This is achieved through compassionate understanding, acknowledging the positive intentions behind the protective parts' behaviors, and working to negotiate a path acceptable to all parts of the psyche. 

By gradually building a respectful and collaborative relationship with the protective parts, the IFS approach ensures the journey toward healing the exiles is met with their full support. This approach mitigates pushback or backlash from the protectors and facilitates a harmonious and integrated sense of self. Through this process, we can reclaim choice and possibility in our lives, unburdened by the weight of our trauma or pain our parts used to hold.

Warmly,

Anny