From Tormentor to Ally: Transforming Our Inner Critic with Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS Therapy / Parts Work)
Hello Darkness, My Old Friend: Encountering Our Inner Critic
Cassandra's Story Using IFS with Her Inner Critic Part I
(Image by Ewelina Karezona Karbowiak on Unsplash)
Growing up, Cassandra had always been a reserved and introspective child. She possessed an immense passion for art, yet she never allowed herself to fully embrace it, convinced of her own inadequacy. Instead, she turned toward a career in finance, immersing herself in a demanding world of numbers and spreadsheets. Despite achieving success in her chosen field, Cassandra carried a persistent sense of unfulfillment, her heart yearning for the vibrant colors of her true artistic calling.
One day, while browsing a bookstore, Cassandra stumbled upon a self-help book titled "Silencing Your Inner Critic." Intrigued, she began to delve into its pages, desperate for a glimmer of hope. The words resonated deeply, revealing that she was not alone in her struggle. A spark of recognition ignited as she glanced through the pages.
She realized her self-sabotage had been orchestrated by a relentless inner voice, weaving a tapestry of doubt and negativity. It whispered cruel phrases like, "You'll never measure up to talented artists" or "Your artistic pursuits are mere frivolities. Stick to finance." Cassandra had just encountered her Inner Critic.
From Tormentor to Ally: Transforming Your Inner Critic with Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS Therapy / Parts Work)
Within the vast chambers of our minds, the critical voice reigns supreme, orchestrating one of the most frequent dialogues we engage in with ourselves. This Inner Critic, a formidable presence, evokes fear or reliance in many of us. Its utterances whisper cautionary tales that we are destined to fail, disappoint others, or fall short of achieving success. It can incessantly belittle us and obstruct our progress toward reaching our full potential. The intense friction between this Inner Critic and ourselves leads to an extreme and often unproductive relationship with it.
Yet, there is a way to work with our Inner Critic that is fruitful and transformative using the Internal Family Systems (IFS) framework. As an IFS therapist, I have witnessed critical parts of us transmute into inner champions from inner tormentors. Rather than fearing or relying upon our Critic or engaging in a futile struggle against it, we can start exploring having a relationship with it from a place of curiosity. In doing so, we can achieve a transformative shift, liberating ourselves from the constraints imposed by our Inner Critic by exploring and understanding its motivations and uncovering the underlying messages it is trying to impart.
How can IFS therapy help your Inner Critic?
Many therapeutic approaches address the critical voices that reside within us all. Yet, Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS) takes a unique approach. Instead of considering the Inner Critic as a pathological aspect of ourselves that we must suppress or eliminate, IFS therapy helps us adopt a curious attitude toward it. IFS aims not to overpower or engage in a futile struggle against this inner voice. Instead, we learn to open space for and "befriend" this often rackety and overbearing aspect of ourselves.
Given the societal values of battling and eliminating any perceived problematic thoughts, feelings, emotions, or symptoms, this approach may sound outlandish, absurd, or unfeasible. However, when most of us try to battle with or eliminate our Inner Critic, we often fail and blame ourselves, regarding ourselves as weak, pathetic, or pitiful. Obviously, this just further reinforces the loop of shame and internal criticism.
Have you noticed within your circle of friends, family, or colleagues that people suffering the most often express their need to be loved and accepted in the least desirable ways? This can also be true about the parts of ourselves that appear harsh or cruel - they are crying out for our attention and connection. Although, understandably, no one appreciates being labeled a failure, ridiculed in front of others, or made to question their own goodness - these critical voices hold a deeper yearning that, once acknowledged and honored, can serve as an initial step towards transformation.
Cassandra's Story Using IFS with Her Inner Critic Part II
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As Cassandra delved into her IFS therapy, exploring her parts and familiarizing herself with her Inner Critic, she was surprised to discover that this seemingly adversarial part of her was, in fact, driven by a sincere desire to offer assistance and help her. Its relentless criticisms, though distorted, held the purpose of protecting her from the perils of failure and the pain of humiliation. It believed that by preventing her from engaging in challenging or risky endeavors, it could shield her from potential harm.
With this newfound understanding, Cassandra's anger toward her Inner Critic dissipated and was gradually replaced with understanding and compassion. She began treating it with kindness, cultivating a more amicable relationship. In turn, her Inner Critic became less harsh and more willing to engage in dialogue with her and express its deepest fears and concerns.
It revealed the underlying worries of what might occur if it were to relinquish its role as the constant critic. In this unfolding dialogue, a bridge of understanding was forged, allowing Cassandra to acknowledge and address these fears with compassion and reassurance.
The Seven Types of Inner Critics from the IFS Perspective
As it turns out, many of us don't have just one Inner Critic, but a complete choir of them, each with a distinct voice, tone, and message. Moreover, Inner Critics can have different intentions and don't all go about things the same way. Jay Early and Bonnie Weiss, researchers and IFS therapists, have explored the Inner Critic from an IFS lens and have distinguished seven Inner Critic archetypes that assume extreme roles in our systems and become entangled in their respective narratives.
Parts that show up in the Perfectionistic Cluster
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"This is worthless; try again!"
"If I don't get this right, I'll get in trouble."
"I can't let anyone see my flaws or imperfections."
"I have to be the best at everything I do."
"If I make even one mistake, it will be a disaster."
"It's not good enough yet; I need to keep working on it."
"If it's not done right, it's not worth doing at all."
"I can't show this to anyone until it's flawless or risk ridicule."
One of the most prevalent types of Inner Critic is known as the Perfectionist. With its positive intent rooted in shielding us from judgment and rejection, it strives to compel us to execute tasks flawlessly.
When caught up in extreme roles, these perfectionistic parts often struggle to reach completion or share their work with the world, believing that constant refinement will enhance protection against unfavorable feedback. This can result in hindered progress, incessantly pursuing flawlessness, driven by a fear of mistakes, mishaps, or failure.
These parts may even prevent us from engaging with something or someone altogether, depriving us of the experience, and filling our internal system with "what ifs" and a profound sense of inadequacy out of fear of "not getting it right" or not meeting lofty standards.
Parts that show up in the Controlling Cluster
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"You're weak for giving in to your cravings."
"You need to resist; get a grip."
"You're a failure for indulging in such behaviors."
"If you continue like this, you'll spiral out of control."
"You need to be more responsible and make better choices."
"If you can't control yourself, you will ruin everything."
"You're not disciplined enough and lack willpower."
"You should be ashamed of yourself for engaging in these behaviors."
These are just a few examples you might hear from the Inner Controller, our critical voice that aims to regulate other parts that want to soothe or distract us by using substances, food, and other activities that give an escape, no matter how temporary, from discomfort, sadness, emptiness, despair, and other painful internal experiences. In IFS terms, the Inner Controller is in opposition to these Firefighter parts. If the Inner Controller does not act, it fears that our Firefighter parts will take over and cause chaos at any moment.
This critical voice is motivated by the desire to protect us from our "impulses" and prevent us from engaging in pleasurable but potentially harmful behaviors. It fears we will lose control and cause damage to ourselves or others. As a result, it can be harsh and shaming in its approach, hoping to make us a "better person" who is accepted and functional in society.
Parts that show up in the Taskmaster Cluster
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"Resting is a luxury you can't afford."
"Success requires sacrificing your leisure time."
"If you take a break, someone else will surpass you."
"You can rest when you've reached your goals."
"Being idle is a sign of weakness and complacency."
"Taking time off is just an excuse for lack of ambition."
"Rest is for those who haven't accomplished enough."
"Sleeping is wasting valuable time that could be used for productivity."
The Taskmaster is a critical part of us that drives us to strive for success. Often operating in the background, its endeavors are met with recognition and accolades from society. However, beneath its outward achievements, the Taskmaster carries deep-rooted fears of our inherent laziness, constantly haunted by the looming specter of judgment and failure. In the face of these daunting anxieties, the Taskmaster employs relentless determination, sparing no effort to ensure we exert ourselves to the utmost.
This internal critic frequently finds itself at odds with a cluster of parts known as the Procrastination cluster. These parts, seeking respite from work demands, chores, and endless to-do lists, gravitate towards distractions that provide temporary relief. Whether aimlessly scrolling through social media feeds or succumbing to the allure of amusing cat videos, these parts of ourselves contrast the relentless drive of the Taskmaster.
Parts that show up in the Undermining/Risk Averse Cluster
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"People will discover you're a phony if you put yourself out there."
"You're not capable of succeeding, so why bother trying?"
"You'll only get hurt if you take that risk, so it's better to play it safe."
"Who do you think you are to aim for something bigger? You'll just embarrass yourself."
"Don't speak up or take action; it will only open you up to criticism and judgment."
"You're going to look stupid if you do that."
"You're not smart/talented/creative enough."
"You're too insignificant to make a difference."
The Underminer is a critical part of ourselves that aims to subvert our efforts and diminish our self-esteem, effectively discouraging us from taking risks. Manifesting as an indistinct mumbling of caution or an onslaught of demeaning remarks, the Underminer instills the belief that you are worthless and destined for failure, undermining your willingness to take risks.
The Underminer's primary objective is to sabotage our self-assurance and restrict our aspirations, ensuring we remain small and avoid circumstances where we might encounter potential harm or rejection. Thus, this Inner Critic fears the prospect of us becoming too visible or stepping into the spotlight, unable to tolerate the possibility of judgment or failure. Hence, its underlying fear is our expansion and visibility, coupled with the perceived inability to endure critique, a sense of inadequacy, and disappointments.
Parts that show up in the Destroyer Cluster
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"You're worthless and don't deserve to exist."
"Everyone would be better off without you."
"You're inherently flawed and irreparable."
"No one could ever love or accept someone like you."
"You're a burden to those around you."
"Your existence only brings pain and suffering."
"Everything you touch turns to crap."
"If you disappeared, nobody would even notice or care."
The Destroyer, one of the most formidable critics, inflicts relentless and penetrating attacks on our self-worth, drowning us in shame and reinforcing a profound sense of imperfections and shortcomings. When we inadvertently hurt a loved one, yell at someone, make a mess, or commit any other error, we can hear the encroaching voice of the Inner Critic, labeling us as mean, thoughtless, foolish, or inept.
Originating from destitution and trauma, this debilitating critic directly aims at our self-esteem, cultivating ideas that we should not exist - we do not deserve love or respect, and the world is better off without us. In its way, it tries to shield us from underlying pain or what it perceives as potential attacks from others. Thus, it wields shame as a weapon, driving us into deep despair. Moreover, it remains entrenched in the past, unaware that the present circumstances no longer pose the same threats. As a result, it struggles to recognize that we possess the soundness and fortitude to face and navigate the underlying pain more effectively than enduring its own ruthless attacks.
Parts that show up in the Guilt-Tripping Cluster
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"You'll never be able to compensate for the harm you've caused."
"You're responsible for the suffering of those you care about."
"You don't deserve forgiveness or happiness for your actions."
"Your actions have irreparably damaged your relationships."
"How could you be so thoughtless and cause such pain?"
"You should always carry the weight of your past actions."
"You're responsible for ruining relationships."
"Others will never trust or forgive you."
The Guilt-Tripper is a multifaceted critic that operates in different ways. In one respect, it holds us accountable for the harm we may have caused others, ensuring that we remain cognizant of such behaviors and not repeat them. Additionally, it harbors fears of us being cast out or rejected, as it upholds the behavioral standards set by our family and society.
The primary function of the Guilt-Tripper is to assign blame to us for behaviors from our past that have caused harm to others, particularly those who hold significance in our lives, regardless of whether they were intentional or not. Its purpose is to shield us from the recurrence of past mistakes by reminding us of our shortcomings or wrongdoings.
Parts that show up in the Conforming Cluster
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"Don't rock the boat; maintain harmony and avoid conflict."
"You need to fit in if you want to be accepted."
"If you don't conform, you'll bring shame to your family."
"You must maintain your reputation and image to avoid being ostracized."
"Don't be too ambitious or unique; you'll be seen as arrogant or attention-seeking."
"Being different will lead to isolation and loneliness."
"What will other people think if we behave or think differently?"
"We need to be liked and admired by others at all costs."
The Conformist's primary role is to ensure our inclusion within a group, striving to gain approval and admiration as a defense against the fear of abandonment or exclusion. As a result, it often opposes parts of us that rebel against or challenge societal norms, driven by the dread of potential rejection.
This dynamic is particularly prominent in family settings where the suppression or punishment of one's authentic expression and needs has been prevalent. The Conformist critic exerts influence by urging us to assimilate into specific norms, keep a low profile and adhere to the values and principles dictated by our family or culture. It rewards us when our behavior aligns with these expectations and berates us when we deviate. By stifling individuality, this critic seeks to shape us into a person who conforms to societal standards, preventing the freedom of self-expression. Lastly, the Conformist is closely intertwined with the Guilt-Tripper, often working in tandem.
Cassandra's Story Using IFS with Her Inner Critic Part III
As Cassandra's journey with IFS therapy continued, she encountered yet another part of herself that had been long forgotten—an exile part. This part was a fragment of her inner world that had been shunned and pushed aside, concealed in the shadows of her consciousness. The discovery of this exile part stirred a deep curiosity within Cassandra, as she yearned to uncover the origin of its pain and guide it toward healing.
With guidance, she began by creating a safe and nurturing space within her mind, allowing the exiled part to step forward and share its story. It revealed memories of a time in Cassandra's childhood when she shared her artistic aspirations with her family, only to be ridiculed and dismissed. The pain of rejection and the fear of judgment had caused Cassandra to bury this part deep within herself, shielding it from further harm.
As Cassandra listened attentively to the exile part's narrative, she understood the depth of its wounds. She empathized with the young Cassandra, who had experienced such a profound sense of rejection, and she felt an overwhelming desire to offer solace and healing. As she brought healing to this exiled part, the Inner Critic realized it no longer needed to show up and defend with such ferocity. Consequently, the Inner Critic started morphing from Inner Tormentor to Inner Champion, no longer fearing that Cassandra could not bear the pain.
As the healing process unfolded, Cassandra's inner landscape began to transform. The exile part slowly regained trust and began to integrate with her other parts, rejoining the harmonious orchestra of her inner world. It brought a renewed sense of creativity, passion, and a profound connection to her artistic essence.
A Few Concluding Thoughts on Compassion Toward Our Parts and Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS Therapy)
For many of us with a complex trauma background, the mere mention of "compassion" or "self-compassion" can stir discomfort within us. Indeed, the concept of self-compassion may seem foreign, ethereal, or unattainable, like something from another realm. Please take solace in knowing that such trepidation is valid. If you grew up without a nurturing, secure attachment as a child, lacking the presence of an empathetic adult who guided you in cultivating a framework for compassion and care, then the notion of self-compassion may appear radical and unsettling, even dangerous. It is understandable, for you were deprived of the opportunity to develop the neural pathways and embodied memories that facilitate an intimate understanding of self-compassion. The formation of new neural pathways requires time and dedication. But it is possible, and you deserve that. We all do.
If you notice having a hesitant or skeptical part as you read this, please know such reservations are valid. However, drawing from my firsthand experience as an IFS therapist and having personally undergone the transformative process of IFS therapy, I have witnessed how this therapeutic approach encourages us to get to know our critical parts with intuition and skill. This transformative journey paves the way for a profound shift, leading us toward cultivating internal relationships with our parts rooted in compassion and harmony.
Warmly,
Anny
Kindly note: The information included in this blog is not intended nor implied to be a substitute for mental health services. Please consult with a qualified professional to determine the appropriateness of the information for your own life experiences or if you have any questions.
